8 things that didn’t happen in the bike industry in the past month

Here are things that absolutely absoutely, 100% happened in the bicycle industry last month.
Man Sweats To Death Wearing Downhill Pants On Trail He Looks Fantastic
A local Strava legend was pronounced dead at the scene after sweating to death. Their untimely demise appears due to an insistence on wearing full downhill pants in the midst of a heat wave.

Freedom McClure, 58 but who will always ask you to guess their age, decided after watching 7 hours of consecutive World Cup reruns that pants were the way to go. He not only bought a size down and purposely shrunk them in the wash, but also used several packs of lard to slip into them. The lard, in combination with a sock that McClure had forced onto the front of his underwear, only exacerbated the overheating problem and essentially functioned as perfect cooking conditions.

Paramedics at the scene not only pronounced him dead, but also looked absolutely fantastic.

In related news, a previously anonymous reviewer claiming that a full pressure suit didn’t make them sweat was revealed to be a renowned pizza enthusiast and former senior royal.

‘Ride or Die’ not an acceptable replacement for ‘Live Laugh Love’, says family of mountain biker
A Sydney mountain biker has been told that their “Ride Or Die” mural in their kitchen is even worse than the “Live Laugh Love” one it replaced.

The family, who wish to remain anonymous but whose wishes we do not know, are the Pottersworth-Becking-Huntingdalees.

PBHs, as they hate being known but frankly life is too short, had to hold an emergency family reunion after Alan, the family decorator and mountain biker, spent an afternoon in spend four years on Ryan Howard’s Instagram and got carried away.

“If we can’t condense our lives into 4 or 5 hashtaggable maxims, then frankly, what’s the point?” He said as his defense fell on unfriendly ears.

Tinder date goes from bad to worse as the man finally lifts the ankle knee pads … only to reveal the ankle socks

Talk about a false dawn. Hopes and knee pads were raised in unison… only in bitter disappointment.

Nutella Johnson’s highly anticipated date has turned into a living nightmare as super-loving “expert rider” Tony Seagull turns out to be a massive goober.

Seagull, who started the date by explaining what Fox VVC damping was and why Johnson had it misconfigured before even leaving the parking lot, was bad company, but the worst was yet to come.

Johnson says: “I thought it couldn’t get any worse, but I didn’t know what to expect. He started off with his knee pads around his ankles at first even though it was only about fifteen degrees. At one point he even tried to persuade me to lower mine. It was so weird. The last nail was to lift the pads up to reveal low socks. I have never seen anything worse in my life. . It was like seeing a dog get sick and think it was bad … only for the dog to eat it right after. An absolute horror sight. The sight of his ankles sticking out above his feet. shoes like uncooked blanched chicken drumsticks sticking their heads above the parapet … well it goes without saying that my therapist will hear about it. “

A road cyclist’s unique bike handling trick of urinating while riding is not well received on a group ride
A road cyclist cooled his spirits during an ATV ride on Sunday morning. Todd “The Bod” Beckingham wasn’t sure how to react when everyone started doing wheelies. In a state of panic and threat, he dove deep into his bag of party tricks, only to realize that his only bike-handling trick was to pee to one side while doing 30 km / h in a wind. front.

In a scene another biker described as “being smeared with bear spray”, the strong wind created a dense fog that managed to cover his knowledge. The Newcastle Brown fluid “smelled like sugar puffs,” one witness testified.

“I like the sugar puffs,” they added later.

The biker who uses buying inappropriate bikes as a personality trait is a bit annoyed that gravel is a thing now
Hannah-Anna Pethrington, a self-proclaimed badass who’s heard of Arctic Monkeys before you and a woman who usually buys inappropriate bikes, has announced her annoyance with the mainstream gravel trend.

Pethrington, who has been riding both uncomfortable and underperforming for years, considers her desire not to be able to ride with other riders to be a personality trait and is upset to see her favorite fire routes littered with other people who keep trying to start making eye contact.

“You don’t understand, I just want to be alone. My only contact with the cycling community is when I tell them that I don’t like them. I actually have a mountain bike but every time someone suggests riding together I put a ridiculous roadblock like saying I only ride at 4am on weekends or telling them to ‘bring toilet paper because I’ll be sure to shit a lot. If that doesn’t put them off, I have to eat some off Taco Bell just to prove a point and have them dig the hole with a tiny titanium trowel.

Field test misinterpreted by angry farmers
Angry farmers from across British Columbia gather at the MikeBike.com offices after misinterpreting the term “field test”.

Cardigan Bennett, an agricultural enthusiast from Woking, received a double blow and flew to Canada just for the protest.

“I wanted to know more about carrots, parsnips and a bit of topography, maybe tell us about the 2022 clay line. Instead, all I hear is high pivots and bottle cages – it’s disgusting. “

Man Patents Report on patents usurped by the patented man Talking about patents Who talks about patents
A wild cat-and-cat game, plus a slightly bigger, angrier extra cat has taken place on the internet. It all started when Justin Timbersnake, who goes by the name “Justin69” on the soon-to-pay PinkMike.com website for bicycle enthusiasts, attempted to patent the notion of commenting on patents. He claimed that it was his sole and compelling right to be the sole commentator on any patent-related development, and that he had the patent to prove it. He even said at one point “I am the mayor of Patent Town”.

That was until it was revealed that his nemesis Daniel Shedinafield AKA ‘DanDaMan’ had been granted a patent, meaning they are not only the only person who can comment on patents, but also the only one. to be able to comment on the comments. on patents. This, it seems, could make Timbersnake’s patent less effective than he previously thought.

Timbersnake has, in a strange turn of events, turned metaphysical and now questions whether, in the context of space and time, a patent really means anything.

He is still considering commenting on the patents. More soon.

The examiner who expressed his opinion duly returns to the hole from which they came
A part-time mountain bike tech intern and future fast food sandwich artist, Lenny Quimby has agreed to stop writing uninformed opinion pieces. Quimby, who has now seen the error of his manners, waives any claim that small design changes where, for example, you could increase the hub diameter by 3mm on each side and that could be larger, and get will now focus on telling people what they want to hear.

His next post titled “Opinion: Wow look, you are so tall, how did you get so strong, Mr. Big Strong Cycling Man?” had to be removed thanks to its similarities in tone and theme to a recent post on a competitor’s site, but he remains determined to come back with something so impactful.


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